About two years ago I was asked to give my testimony at an event at a university club. This testimony was the story of my life and the role God played in it. At the time I was just coming out of a haze of depression and anxiety. I gave the talk (or so I was told) without scarring too many people there, but I understood so little of what I was going through. I didn’t at the time realise that my mental health problems extended beyond depression and anxiety, though I still don’t know to what exactly.
I never thought I would have a mental illness. I wasn’t the ‘type’ that got depressed or anxious. I was a popular, clever, athlete, so didn’t have to worry about my mental health. That was just for lonely, lazy, and sad people, right? Obviously, this is a lie. I would grow to learn that mental illnesses don’t discriminate.
This isn’t the only part of my story that I wanted to share. I am a Third Culture Kid who grew up in East Africa to British parents. When I finished school, I moved to Scotland for university, which wasn’t easy. Moving from one country to the next is complicated, takes ages, and isn’t helped by the unsatisfactory British weather.
When I gave that first talk two years ago it was difficult. At the time, whenever I talked about mental illnesses I froze. I lost the feeling in my arms and face if anyone said the word depression around me. I hated to talk about it. It was something that terrified me. I lacked the vocabulary to articulate my struggles. Life became different in a frustrating manor and I didn’t have the tools to comprehend it.
Yet, I knew that God wanted me to talk about it. So that night I tried to muddle through what being a TCK was like and how depression had changed my life. Despite feeling completely confused about my situation, God used the talk to help others lots. Recently, I got the chance to talk about it again, in a more wizened recap. The good news is that I have a slightly better grasp of what exactly being a TCK and having depression is like. The bad news is that over the past two years I have used all my jokes up.
Chilling in East Africa
I loved my life growing up. I lived in Uganda for a few years before being evacuated to Kenya after we got caught in a wee civil war. My only memories from that time are my mum being concerned about the land mines and watching Cool Runnings. The two aren’t related, but I would highly recommend the film. However, for the bulk of my childhood I lived in central Kenya. I was surrounded by loving friends and family.
Without a doubt, my favourite part of school was the relationships I had. Put 24 guys in a dorm together and amazing things happen, and I am not referring to the smell. I made so many good memories with those guys, whether it was fight night, sneaking out late, or stealing the girl’s dorm chicken. I did have some friends who were girls, although my school tried its best to prevent such a ‘sacrilegious’ situation. I was popular and had great social skills.
I played a lot of sports, mainly football and rugby, although I was happy to play anything. Whilst I favoured team sports, my friends and I were partial to streaking in our boarding school. Rugby was probably my most successful sport with my school playing in the most competitive school’s league in Kenya. Several players I grew up playing against are now professionals and one was at the last Olympics (I never lost to him either). All that to say I was very athletic and coordinated.
In my 6th grade year a chess club was started in my school which I eagerly went along to. At first it was mainly so that I could beat my brothers at home, but I ended up loving it. Within a year I was playing at international events. By the end of my chess ‘career’ I was fortunate enough to have played at the World Youth Chess Championships, the World Youth Chess Olympiad, and captained the Kenya team at the African Junior Chess Championships. Apart from giving my friends a legitimate reason to call me a nerd, it kept my brain sharp.
Most importantly, I had a growing relationship with God during my time at school. Like any relationship it had highs and lows, but it was constant. It had been written it into the very core of who I was that God loved me, God was good, and I had to serve God. When I was six I remember asking God to use me in any way. What I had in mind was very badass, I wanted to be a martyr and a hero. But behind these arrogant designs was a deep-seated belief in who God is.
Time for Transition
In short, things were great, but they got significantly tougher after I moved to university in the UK. Moving away from that situation was always going to be tough, particularly if you know anything about British weather. I grew up in quite a temperate climate, but it didn’t rain 363 days a year (we usually have a 2-3 day summer in the UK).
Cultural transition is always hard. There is so much loss and grief involved, most of it slips under the radar. Losing your friends is tough. You feel isolated and lonely. Losing the place you know is really hard. Familiarity is replaced with insecurity. However, a lot of the little and unnamed losses tend to build up into a storm. When I moved I lost the languages I grew up hearing, I lost the customs I had known my whole life, I even lost the slight tan on my skin. Now I look as pale as a ghost, also known as a healthy-looking Scotsman.
Despite the challenges, my transition was going well until my second year at university. After a few weeks I realised that I was very sad all the time. My energy had left me and I wasn’t sleeping well. After pretending I was okay for a couple of weeks I finally gave in, I knew I had depression. However, I also thought that depression was for the weak, and I wasn’t weak. I thought that if I pushed hard enough I could just ‘toughen up’ and get through it. I didn’t need to be a burden on anyone, I was too resilient for that.
If you didn’t know, these are all lies. Depression is a psychosomatic illness which may happen to anyone for a variety of reasons. What this means is that you should never feel responsible or shameful about having depression (Despite this I have felt this strongly at times, these are quite common symptoms. Don’t worry if you do, just remember that the depression isn’t your fault). It is not a sign of weakness any more than a cold is. It is not something you can get through by ‘toughening up’ any more than a broken leg is. Finally, people with depression are no more of a burden to others than anyone else in the world. We all have problems, depression is just one in a long list. It is not a moral failing, but a part of living in a messed-up world.
But I struggled to believe these truths. I started to feel lonely and isolated. I was always seeing people and constantly making new friends, but it felt wrong. These weren’t the warm relationships I had grown up with. I felt cold and distant from everyone. It seemed that nobody at university cared for me. All my thoughts towards my friends were angry or frustrated. I was more likely to reflect on how much I wanted to kill my friends rather than how much I liked them. Happiness had left me, with a promise to never return. I had gone from someone surrounded by friends to someone who felt like he had none.
Anxiety made this time very difficult. I became scared of my friends. The idea of meeting up with them was terrifying. I would literally rather die than meet up with friends at that time. I had gone from loving adrenaline rushes and playing rugby to fearing getting out of bed in the morning. Everything panicked me and made me more angry and frustrated.
All this made me wonder if I was a monster. How could a human being feel and think these things? Each night I would go to sleep hoping I could die in my sleep. Not only had I lost the will to live, but I had developed a desire to die. Death wasn’t particularly attractive, but it was the only alternative to life, which was hellish. Yet, I knew I couldn’t commit suicide. I knew that God loved me, God was good, and I had to serve God.
One of the tragedies of naming mental illnesses in the way that we do is that it gives off the impression that they are solely an emotional problem, which they aren’t. I started noticing that physically things were changing for me. Some of the symptoms were more constant, like losing feeling in my arms and legs. Other symptoms snuck up on me. I started noticing that my balance got a lot worse. I started to fall over at unexpected times. This was particularly challenging when I was trying to play sports. Falling over at random times isn’t conducive to being a successful athlete.
My physical symptoms came to a head last November in the middle of a meeting. It was one of my favourite times in the week and I was engaging in a discussion as usual when my brain seemed to disengage or ‘unplug.’ Over the next 24 hours I developed more symptoms and started to struggle to walk and talk. There were plenty of other symptoms too, none of which were fun. The doctors don’t think that this was caused by solely depression and anxiety, but aren’t sure what triggered it yet. Regardless of its origins, my mental illnesses (or potentially additional neurological issues) have given me serious problems. I had gone from being an athletic sportsman to being unable to walk.
My brain hasn’t been spared these travails. I started to notice that my memory was struggling when depression and anxiety started. Over the past several years it has gotten worse and worse. Sometimes simple things seem impossible to remember, like what time I am supposed to be meeting up with people. Other times it is more significant things, such as how old I am or what my friend’s names are. I played chess competitively for about 5 years and could remember every single move over that time. I could replay thousands of moves in a particular order without intentionally memorizing them. Now I couldn’t play back a single one. My brain has fallen far from its previous capability. The change has been frustrating and difficult.
My brain works more slowly than before. I used to be able to do everything rapidly, whether that was chess or my homework. However, now I struggle to process things at all, let alone quickly. The silver lining is that this can be handy as an excuse whenever I lose to my girlfriend at scrabble. My brain power has taken a big hit. I have gone from chess prodigy to not being able to remember how old I am.
It has been five and a half years since I started struggling with mental illnesses and it has been a horrible experience. I feel like I have changed completely. A lot of that change has been forced and in a direction that I wouldn’t have chosen. I am less happy than I was before, I am more tired than I was before, I am a lot more anxious than I ever was, and I have all sorts of health problems which I never imagined I would have had.
After graduating from university last year, I am currently unemployed because of my health. One day I can be fine and the next unable to walk. I can’t commit to much responsibility because I don’t know what my health will permit each day. Planning for the future becomes very difficult with this unpredictability. The only constant seems to be the regular doctor’s appointments as we try to figure out what is going on.
Throughout this whole ordeal I have known that God loves me, God is good, and that I need to serve God. Mental illnesses have a way of stripping so much of who we are away. All the beliefs, practices, and desires that are even remotely superficial will be under threat. I was left with only my most central beliefs. For the first 18 years of my life God cultivated these ideas and wrote them onto my heart. Clinging onto His truths has been the only thing keeping me going. At the time, I didn’t know that this would be what would stop me from committing suicide.
This is the Important Part
It is important that we talk about mental illnesses. The reality is that mental illnesses will keep occurring, and are likely to increase in prevalence. If you don’t have one, I can guarantee that you know someone who does. You may not know it because of their clandestine nature, but they are everywhere. They are horrible for those suffering and for the community. I was inadvertently prepared for my struggle by God, and it literally saved my life. Not everyone is so fortunate.
This is crucial in cross cultural circles where mental illnesses are more common. They are a potential result of the trauma of transition, yet are still mostly taboo. Particularly if you have a TCK in your family, please make it a point to have open and frank discussions about mental health long before anyone suffers from it.
Feel free to get in touch if you have any questions about being a TCK or mental illnesses, or if you just fancy a chat. Leave a comment with any ideas or questions you have, as other people are probably thinking the same thing. Please share this with other people so that we can keep the discussion about mental illnesses going. We must talk about this!
I’m always inspired by your frankness and honesty. Thank you for always taking the lead and starting the conversation on mental health. I hope many of us will follow.
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Thanks! If we each do a small part we will make a massive difference.
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I’m so glad you shared this, because I had no idea you were struggling. You will be in my prayers regularly!
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Aw, thanks. Prayer is a powerful way to support people who are ill.
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Having come to your blog only recently, and having met you personally even more recently (what a pleasure!), I truly appreciate this history of your illness. What a hellish journey! Thank God you have the “tools,” and now the resources, tto help you deal with it. You will be in my prayers, dear Noggy.
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Thanks Sally. It was a pleasure meeting you too! Particularly on such a joyous occasion.
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Just left you a wordy comment, which doesn’t seem to appear. Short version: so glad to know you, moved by your story, praying.
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I always appreciate and respect your openness. This is a discussion we should all be having. Thank you for writing such thought provoking and honest feelings. All of your posts are very helpful. You are helping me understand the real human side of mental illness and coming from you it adds a family demention of love and authority. I’m praying for you with love and a grateful heart.
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Thanks so much for your kind words and your prayers! They make a massive difference. Please keep sharing 🙂
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Such a well written account of an extraordinarily difficult struggle. Thank you for sharing your journey. I hope you experience total wellness. And if that doesn’t happen in this life time, may you continue to have the courage and grace and strength to keep getting up and living each day, while affirming those 3 truths that have been anchors for you. You may very well save some lives through the writing of your story. All the best to you.
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BTW, I found your blog thanks to Tim Bannister. I’m an RVA alumnus, too.
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Thanks 🙂 I love connecting with other alumni! I was class of 2012, so imagine that you were a wee bit before me if you knew Tim.
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this is an amazing story and an amazing testament to God’s grace and power and protection. I do have a question. I’m an adult TCK as well and the trauma of constant transitions and loss has had more of an affect on me mentally than I usually admit. I have struggled with what I think is waves of depression for a number of years now, feeling super tired and often sad and struggling with the will to even get out of bed in the morning and do life. So how do you deal with depression? What helped?
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Your words are very encouraging, thanks 🙂
In terms of your question, there are lots of things that can be done to chip away at the depression. WIll get to more practical things in a second, but the first is to get professional help if available. A lot of the problems that we face as TCK’s are because of the stress and trauma. Every time I read more books about TCK’s I realise that there is more pain and tragedy in my life than I care to admit. in the book ‘Third Culture Kids…’ by Polluck and Van Reken (which is a must read if you haven’t already), they reckon that by the time that we are 20 we will have as much grief as non-TCK’s in their entire life. Being a TCK is awesome. But there is a remarkable amount of hidden loss and grief. Here is a directory of cross cultural counselors. not sure where you live but hope it helps.
http://internationaltherapistdirectory.com/
Counselors that specialise in TCK life can be brilliant at drawing these things out.
If possible, getting the advice of a doctor in regards of how to treat the depression would be very helpful. Anti depressants can be great. They are a bit trial and error, but are definitely worth getting on them. Doctors also can give great advice on how to get through life at the tough time s in practical ways.
In terms of more practical things that helped me. I started to try and talk to people about it. It took me years to build up the courage and understanding to even say “I have depression and I want help.” Because of the ways I viewed depression my pride and shame really stopped me reaching out for help. It was terrifying at first, but I told a few close friends. Once a few close friends know they are able to really help out. Once depression becomes less isolating it is much easier to deal with. It isn’t easy to break out of cycle of isolation, but it makes a big difference. Whenever I was feeling better I would put a lot of effort into telling people, so that when I got ill they could help look after me.
One of the most challenging aspects of depression is accepting help and not feeling bad about it. I struggle with this all the time and need my friends and family to constantly affirm me in the bad times.
Depression needs to be fought with a group around us. We can’t do it alone and need others to pitch in. This happens in all sorts of ways, but each one will be crucial.
Excercising is really helpful. I know it sucks, but it amakes a big difference. Even if you can only manage it in the good spells, it will help a lot in the long run. I know these tips aren’t fun or probably anything knew, but they do help.
I wrote about more ways to help in a blog post. Some of those ways are more niche and creative. Please let me know if I can help. I am happy to write more about ways to fight it if it helps. Would love to help in anyway.
https://noggybloggy.com/2017/09/04/10-difficult-ways-to-fight-depression/
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Hi, I just stumbled upon your post. Thank you so much for sharing this. I am a TCK as well, and I think I struggled with depression after moving to the US 6 years ago. (After reading someone else’s comment though, I’m wondering if I still struggle with it.)
Anyway, I have a dear friend that has struggled with depression for a while. I want to help her so much, but it seems like I keep saying the wrong thing. I don’t know if I help her at all. Do you have ideas of how I can be supportive and encouraging and helpful to her?
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To Erica & Emily, I hope you don’t mind if I jump in. Noggy has some more great stuff in his other posts that might answer your questions, here’s one that seems pertinent for both your questions: https://noggybloggy.com/2017/08/29/a-bluffers-guide-to-depression-cheat-sheet/ One small addition: if you haven’t already, I recommend exploring about TCK’s and unresolved grief; it’s super common. I’m a 57 year old TCK (who moved almost every year from birth to age 18), saw some weird responses in myself that I couldn’t explain & couldn’t stop doing. Just last year I started reading about TCK’s and found out my reactions were quite common amongst TCK’s. Felt so good to finally feel normal in a weird sort of way. Noggy, just discovered your blog, and it felt so good to find another TCK brother. I am relishing this new-found sense of belonging to a people group.
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Thanks for your kind words!
You are part of a much wider community! Both as a TCK and more particularly a TCK struggling with mental illness. Glad to connect 🙂
Hope you are doing well.
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Hi Emily. Sorry for the late response. I have been quite busy and wanted to make sure it was a proper response. It is always great to connect with other TCK’s 🙂 Sorry to hear about your struggle with mental health. There is a large community of us, so please keep reaching out!
When it comes to friends and depression a couple of things jump out at me. When I am feeling depression I can feel like the world is against me and that my friends don’t care. I think that when we are ill we need friends to help us root out the lies in our life. So I think that you need to be constantly affirming the obvious truths in her life and your friendship.
Things like “I really care about you. You are not a burden to me or others. You have people who care about you. I am here to support you. Your depression doesn’t ruin our relationship.” Constantly affirm these things. Let her know that you care about her. Be awkwardly obvious about it.
There are lots of practical ways you can help as well. Try and do exercise together, like running or badminton.
Try to get her help with a professional, a counselor/doctor or both.
For me things like dishes seemed impossible at times, she might need occasional help with really boring things.
Pray for her.
Encourage her to talk about it. This needs to be done gently because it is super difficult. But if you make it clear to her that you are taking a big interest in her life she will appreciate it.
Finally, get as many other people involved as possible. The only suitable response to mental illnesses is a communal one. You don’t want to put too much pressure on yourself and the more people helping the better she will get to a point.
Let me know if I can help with anything else.
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I grew up in Kenya too and found your blog through a comment on Caleb Middleton’s recovery FB page. Your symptoms that you described are on point with my mother’s. It ended up being poor diet and mold poisoning from living in a damp area after moving to the US. As much as I love being in the UK (I got to spend some time in Scotland, mostly St. Andrews (my maiden name is Craig)) it is so very damp and high vitamin D supplements would be vital for all who live there. Some people are much more susceptible to the mold than others. My mother and I can be in the same moldy room and I would only develop a slight reaction that would be mildly bothersome but she reacts with the numbing of arms/legs and lack of clarity and basic functionality. She is prone to low absorption of magnesium and B vitamins which exacerbate depression and anxiety. However, though most of her symptoms are organic and chemical she also finds that her dependence on Lord and His Word is what sustains her spiritually through dark times. Her journey is ongoing but she is doing much better these days and recently completed her Masters in Nutrition. She knows so much now and the Lord has used this trial to enable her to help and encourage other who are going through the same thing she did. My heart goes out to you as I see you are struggling with the same forms of issues. Very thankful to see you leaning on the Lord for strength and praying that He continues to direct you towards answers for the physical struggles!
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Thanks for your encouragement. God is good, even in the tough times.
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